Don't Drool On Me

After the fall out from the last few public appearances by Sarah Palin, most notably her debacle last weekend at the Iowa Freedom Summit, many of her former very best friends are desperately trying to wash the taint off of their hands. Palin is running out of options to make money stay in the public’s eye and she’s nothing if not an attention whore. But she’s 50 years old and her looks are starting to fade. That might sound sexist but there’s no way around it: Palin’s looks have been a vital component of her success. Americans are kind of shallow but American conservatives are really really shallow. Or did you think it was a coincidence that all the women at Fox News are pretty blondes in tight skirts?
The future is not looking too bright for Sister Sarah and her clan (other than the millions they’ve already banked). Personally, I hope she sticks around for another decade or two. She really is the embodiment of the American right wing: Shallow, proudly ignorant, intellectually lazy, tasteless, narcissistic, phony beyond belief and just plain annoying.

Even her trolling of the left is starting to get stale. The Tea Party has degenerated so far into lunacy, it’s incredibly hard to stand out as exceptionally crazy. Palin’s just not smart enough to generate any real outrage with any kind of consistency. Even Ann Coulter’s star is fading because of this and, love her or hate her, Coulter is way smarter than Palin.
I can’t think of a better spokesperson for conservatism.

So in the interest of keeping Sarah viable and useful to a politically progressive America, I would like to offer a few career options that just might revitalize her prospects!

1.Plastic surgery: If (at least) 50% of your appeal is a pretty face, going under the knife is your best bet. It worked for the Kardashians, right?
2.Degrading Reality TV: No one cares about the Palins talking about America or dancing on TV. But sooner or later, the Palins (already a white trash family) are going to figure out that people will pay money to watch them makes asses of themselves. It worked for the Kardashians, right?
3.A “leaked” sex tape: It’s a toss up if it will be Sarah or Bristol. It worked…ehhhh…you get the idea.
4.More “Victimhood”: Screaming about how everyone is out to get them will curry sympathy with the terminally stupid for a little while longer.
5.Country Music (God help us all): In a world where “18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses” is a hit song, anyone can sell an album to southern rednecks with no taste in music. But then again, I think I might prefer the sex tape.