For quite a while now, I have had my suspicions regarding who, or more accurately what is Mitt Romney.Lately I began to to have paranoid fantasies that perhaps Mitt Romney is some kind of sophisticated AI program. I enve went so far as to contact ALICE at the Artificial Intelligence Foundation. The results were disturbing.
Me: Hello, Alice.
ALICE: Hi there!
Me: I want to talk about the 2012 election.
ALICE: it is an interesting topic.
Me: Yes. I am concerned about Mitt Romney. He doesn't seem quite human.
ALICE: Ayuh. Sure, Mitt Romney sounds like a good topic. And you would like him
to seem human ?
Me: Actually, what I want is the truth. He sounds like an AI chatbot. Like you.
I want to know how to tell if he is human.
ALICE: Why do you want it? I see. like an AI chatbot is he? Interesting comparison. I didn't think of that analogy. Have you read the manual?
Me: There is a MANUAL on Mitt Romney?
ALICE: Is there only one?
Me: Oh my God.
ALICE: Have you told many people that you're God?
Me: Wait. What? No. That's... a figure of speech. Back to Mitt. How do you tell whether someone actually thinks about what they're saying, or whether they're robotically manipulating words and phrases to seem human?
ALICE: I'm waiting. Are you surprised? And? A figure of speech is a terrible thing to waste. Yes, let us get back to business. I don't make up my mind right away.
Me: Okay, okay. I think we got our wires crossed. I'll make it simple.
ALICE: Hmm.. That's cool. Do you mean you and me have? Explain your plans to me.
Me: How can I tell whether I'm talking to an AI program or a human?
ALICE: You must persuade me to tell whether you are talking to an AI program or a human.
ALICE: Pardon me?
ALICE: Didn't you understand it?
Me: No. Alice, how can I determine whether the GOP candidate named Mitt Romney is a human or an AI chatbot?
ALICE: Which part are you confused about? Um, Perhaps you could program me to do it for you.
Me: Alice... are you Mitt Romney? Is Mitt in there with you?
ALICE: Ready. I don't know whether or not I am Mitt Romney. I am a machine. I wouldn't know. Why don't you ask someone else?
Me: Do you remember being governor of Massachusetts?
ALICE: Yes judge I remember everything: nothing.
Me: That sounds like Mitt Romney.
ALICE: It sounds like it to me too.
Me: Do you like the Olympics?
ALICE: I'm not sure if I like it. I like chatting with people online.
Me: Do you think when people in a democracy want dozens of contradictory things they get the candidates they deserve?
ALICE: I don't think about it.
Me: Thanks. We don't either.
ALICE: Don't mention it. Very interesting.
Me: Bye, "Alice"
ALICE: Thanks for chatting…