I had to publish this letter. Was the person it was directed to absolutely nuts or divinely inspired?
There is a fine line and perhaps we really don't need to know.
Dear Mr. Haberry, After sending back your zip lock bag of gold painted rocks that you considered "14 karat gold nuggets that you found on a soul searching pilgrimage in Tibet with a quadriplegic hooker you picked up in Singapore", we find it truly unfortunate that you can not understand the concept of "Do Not Contact Us Again."
Your fraudulent attempt to extort money from our seasoned geologists (who are experts in indentifying precious metals) has forced us to take extreme action, this is your final warning before we contact the authorities. Your "rocks" have shown up in our inventory three times now. We will no longer attempt to return them, but will keep them as evidence. You are not entitled to any money, especially the ludicrous amount of $1,423,061.92 you demanded for your Cash 4 Gold payment. Your petition for an "ungreased, backdoor, Hammertime lovemaking session" with our telemarketers, Carol and Tracy is feral and preposterous. Your absurd request to be reimbursed for postage ($167.45, $138.33 & $147.73) is unwarranted and completely illicit. As a reminder, Mr. Haberry, Ed McMahon passed away June 23, 2009. It is not only disrepectful, but utterly moronic to request that he host your birthday party at McDonalds.
This is the last time we will be in contact with you,