Saturday, May 05, 2012

Hey Mitt, Go Fuck Yerself....

Hey, I usually don't drink and well, I try not to use coarse language, at least when their are women and children in the room, and usually, when people attack me like this I work it off by building houses for folks and readingGoodnight Moon to little baby goats at this petting zoo near my house. But Rosalynn's on a trip with relatives, and... and I just got to thinking about some of the stuff that's being said out there. Anyway, next thing I know, I'm back from the package store, and the Wild Turkey isn't even out of the bag, but I've already had a few. Lemme just get this out, before I overthink it.
Mr. Romney, I would like to sincerely and cordially invite you to go fuck yourself. Is that clear enough? As a longtime peace negotiator I'm always trying to find exactly the right words to convey the full nuance of what I'm trying to communicate. So let me add that I hope you get beaten in this race in an ugly and embarrassing spectacle, and that it actually causes you to soil your shorts in public, you smarmy, creepy, robotic freak.

I know your handlers are making you throw my name out there as a sort of catchall term for liberal wimp, so you can link me to Obama. Those handlers can go fuck themselves too by the way.
Let me see if I got this: You're calling me a wuss, because of the hostage crisis and the failed rescue mission. Because I didn't go in there and just bomb the crap out of everything that moved, crush the government, and bring back whoever survived. And that I often used restraint, and I always tried to negotiate instead of sending in the Marines, and so I wasn't a strong leader, like Ronald Reagan. Is that the narrative?
Yeah, well, here's something you and Reagan and most of the 2012 GOP candidates all have in common. You motherless jagoffs have never put on a uniform. I actually served in a goddamn submarine - do you have any idea how small and claustrophobic those bastards are, and how unnerving it is to be out there under enough water to kill you if something goes wrong? Military people of all branches live with the constant threat of death, and so when you become the Commander in Chief your job is to not treat them like extras in an over budget action film. Sometimes I think I'm the last president who realized that.
The other fact that has not yet dawned on you is that every action you take has consequences that last long after you're gone. The whole reason we were in a conflict with the Iranians in 1979 was that back in 1953 the CIA thought it'd be cute if we toppled their government and help put in the Shah. That's why they're a pain in our balls, even now. They're mad at how we don't treat the lives of people in their country - hell, the whole region - like they're actually worth something.
Instead of blowing stuff up, I got the Soviets to sign an agreement on human rights at the Helsinki Accords. Everyone called me King of the Pussies for that one. You know who didn't?Lech Walesa. In Robert Gates's spy memoir, he talks about how Walesa said the agreement gave dissident groups in Poland a way to begin attacking the brutal regime in their country. Gates also writes that an entire generation of dissidents in Russia itself say it inspired them to push for change. So we did something smart. We did something right. And no one had to put a hundred thousand troops in harm's way or create a secret prison so we could waterboard people.
By the way, you know why I treated foreigners like their lives were worth something? Because I was the first modern evangelical president. I actually have a relationship with Jesus. And contrary to what you may have heard at your GOP fundraisers, He's actually not that big on indiscriminate killing. You right wing folks say you're all up in His grill, but I honestly don't even recognize the violent, bigoted hillbilly you assholes pray to.
Anyway, I gotta clean up. Rosalynn'll be home soon and there are Slim Jim wrappers everywhere. But think about what I said, Mitt. You're going to lose this thing and lose it bad. And when you do, maybe try to learn a little from it, okay?
Jesus loves you. may want to cock punch you myself, but He is good that way. He got me through that rabbit thing. He'll get me through this. And Tylenol will help.


Engineer of Knowledge said...

Oh Mr. President….Mr. President! Engineer Of Knowledge here from the Political News Blog site of the same name. Would it be safe to say that you will not be voting for Mitty (I stole your Working Middle Class Retirement Funds through Bain Capital) Romney this up coming national election?

Mr. President….Mr. President….a follow up question please!
Is it also true that you were asked to take a video of Ann Romney having sex with a Donkey while Mitt watched, and do you intend to post it on YouTube?

Ol'Buzzard said...

Would that this were true...I would love to see President Carter come out swinging.
the Ol'Buzzard