Saturday, January 04, 2014

Goodbye Brainless Wonder!

As long as I am handing out Le Grand Super Connard Awards here, I have given myself the almost impossible task of finding the winner for 2013....The biggest and best Super Connard of 2013? I guess if you pay attention to the loudest media histrionics and weren't being bothered with silly reality then perhaps the honorary peoples choice must be The Donald, but who needs that crap, who or what is he anyway? One way or another, his hair  (if that is what it really is, I have the sneaky suspicion that it really is clever ruse to cover the embarrassing medical fact that his buttocks were somehow implanted onto his cranium ) alone should be put on the endangered species registry...I think there is already an Audubon Society no fly zone being proposed for his immediate comb over vicinity :

But worst of 2013? Donald, fuggedaboutit...your a loser and YOU'RE FIRED! 
Perhaps I can dedicate another song by my all time favorite inept but brilliant punk rock band M.O.T.O!
Goodbye Brainless Wonder
Sure, he wasn't the worst, but he was the biggest, loudest and most obvious gigunda asshole of the year and I am proud to award him as the Super Connard of 2013!
Yeah, I know he wasn't the worst, but we are talking the biggest, loudest and most obnoxiously stinking gigunda asshole of 2013
If you want my rundown of the worst of 2013, here are some of my nominees...if you have any other nominees....and there is some criteria here...Crimes against humanity and destruction of the planet are a totally different  category...please let me know!
January – The NRA
Not everyone in the NRA is a bad person. In fact, most of the National Rifle Association’s members support reasonable measures like background checks, but just weeks after a gunman massacred 20 school children, the NRA saw opportunities.
During the month following the Sandy Hook shooting in Newtown, CT, the NRA’s membership rolls swelled by a quarter million people. Despite blaming video games, the NRA released its own violent game just a month after the shooting.
Perhaps even worse than the NRA’s CEO, Wayne LaPierre, is its board member, Ted Nugent. In January, he compared gun owners to Rosa Parks (the right chose to identify with Ms. Parks this year). He also threatened the President over the push for gun safety laws.
February – Alex Jones
The year began with Alex Jones and his pro-gun conspiracy theories being almost as ubiquitous as the NRA’s pro-gun conspiracy theories, but he pushed himself to the top of the worst person list when he had a famous meltdown directed toward CNN’s Piers Morgan, who apparently lacks the right of free speech because he’s British.
March – Sheryl Sandburg
Facebook’s billionaire COO Sheryl Sandburg took a lot of heat after a book and 60 Minutes interview in which she appeared to blame women, instead of the ‘good ole’ boy’ culture for being held back in the workplace. Sandburg makes the claim that women are too reticent to “lean in” and to raise their hands and ask for what they want.

Fewer than 50 of Fortune 1000 companies are headed by women. Sandburg seems to forget the adage that power protects power. Some women might be held back because they aren’t assertive enough, but many struggle with straddling the fine line between being called too meek and a bitch. The rules were created by men and many of these men are still figuring out that when a woman leans in, he shouldn’t be peeking down her blouse.
I believe there is hope, though. Sandburg is lucky enough to work for a young company. Younger people are more likely to be inclusive, which means that, while others are complaining about Millennials, I’m welcoming them with open arms.
April – The Boston Marathon bombers
May – The Koch brothers
While the Koch brothers’ evil transcends all space and time, May was a particularly evil month for them as they threatened to put another nail in the coffin of democracy with their attempt to buy the Los Angeles Times. Fortunately, they backed off.
June – Paula Deen’s supporters
Why it surprised anyone that the woman who markets herself as the arbiter of old-school Southern ways turned out to be racist, will always be a mystery to me, but the nation was shocked. In a country full of racists, I can’t point a finger solely at Deen, but I will at the army of her defenders. Their most common excuses included, “well, they say the ‘n’ word, why can’t I?” and “someone called me a cracker once. That hurt my feelings.” Of course, all sane people reacted by reminding them that ‘cracker’ is not an insult and even if it were, who cares? You are still white and you enjoy the privileges that come with your skin color, including a true presumption of innocence. As for the ‘n’ word, remember that you can call yourself fat (or whatever) all you want, but I’m an asshole if I do it. And seriously, if your vocabulary is so thin that you absolutely need to use that particular word, maybe you should pick up a dictionary.
July – George Zimmerman and Bob Filner
One of these men is a murderer and one is not, but they both highlighted two of the country’s most prevalent ‘isms’ – racism and sexism. In 2012, Zimmerman gunned down an unarmed teenaged boy because Zimmerman didn’t think he belonged in his neighborhood. In a reminder that little has changed in the American justice system since the pre-civil rights era, Zimmerman was acquitted in July. Since then, he has made a further mockery of our justice system by threatening the lives of his wife and of his girlfriend. Both women dropped all charges.
Bob Filner will most likely go down as a footnote in history. He was the mayor of San Diego who was forced to resign because he he spent his time in office groping and kissing literally every woman he could get his hands on, including military rape victims. Then, he had the nerve to ask the city to pay his legal fees.
August – Rep. Steve King
The Iowa Republican congressman made headlines in August when he said about undocumented immigrants, “for everyone who is a valedictorian, there’s another hundred out there, they weigh 130 pounds and with calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert.”
Need I say more?
September – Sen. Ted Cruz
In September, the GOP golden boy, Senator Ted Cruz (TX) started down the slippery slope of a pointless government shutdown by showboating with a fake filibuster in his attempt to shut down Obamacare for the 42nd time. It failed, but not before doing some serious economic damage to the country.
October – The Republican Congress
After failing to defund Obamacare in September, Republicans shut down the government in October, just because they could. Then they bitched because national monuments and parks were part of the shutdown package. In the end, Republicans got nothing but a self-inflicted black eye for costing the American people over $2 billion over what amounted to nothing but a temper tantrum.
November – Walmart
Walmart takes November’s top prize for two reasons. They pay their employees so little money, that they can’t even afford food. Rather than give a raise, one store had a food drive. Company wide, Walmart led the new retail trend of completely ruining employees’ holidays by requiring they work Thanksgiving.
December – Fox News
December is typically a slow news month and we’re glad for it, but slow news months tend to propel ratings-driven news agencies to either get very hyperbolic about nothing stories or flat out make sh** up. Fox News earns the dubious distinction of doing both on a year around basis. In fact, they evenwent to court and won the right to make sh** up. Every December, though, it’s their fake ‘War on Christmas,’ as if wishing someone “happy holidays” is somehow an infringement on their right to buy hundreds of dollars of made-in-China crap. And then, there was Megyn Kelly, who insisted that the imaginary Santa was white. But, it was all too easy for Clarence Carter to prove that this pasty peroxided botoxed white bitch was jusr so wrong wrong wrong:

Fox, if you really wanted to stop the war on your Christian Christmas, advocate for taking commercialism out of it. Yeah, I know. I was laughing so hard I had trouble getting through that too.

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