Saturday, March 23, 2013

Saxby Chambliss Dies And Goes to Hell

Remember when Larry “Wide Stance” Craig said this back in 2007 after he got arrested for lewd conduct in an airport men’s room for allegedly soliciting sex?:
Craig: “I am not gay. I never have been gay.”
He felt compelled to follow that with, “I love my wife.

So, this week we get this  from Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), 2013 (via Politico) as he explains his avowed opposition to any marriage right equality legislation:

“I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one.”

Marry one what? I bet that he, too, really really loves his wife.
There is some kind of real disconnect going on here. How's that reachy-outy thing workin’ for ya, GOP? I'm not speculating that Saxby is gay, I mean we have to take his word that he isn't or that there has never been a member of his family, ever, never, ever, never no way who was uh gay...really, never...ever, never........
But Saxby confesses to bein a good Ol' Christian boy, so since we all make our own reality here, 
Saxby's shure as shit gonna die pretty soon and when he does he's gonna end up in a dank little waiting room with a bunch of other sorry pasty ass nekkid dead folks wondering whaat the fuck is going on.  The door to the room is gonna open and big red dude with horns, black rimmed glasses and a smart tie comes in holding a filing folder and says in a kinda friendly type voice, "Saxby? Mr. Saxby Chambliss? Please follow me, it's time for your three o'clock orientation session. I'm Bruce, the sorta social director personell manager and well, I sort of think you'll like the changes we made around here in the new improved Hell."
Saxby starts to rise indignantly, and croaks, "Hell? This ain't Hell! This is impossible! There's some kind of mistake! I'm a goddam United States Republican Senator from the great state of Georgia! I'mmmm...."
Saxby is cut short by a look from Bruce, who simply says, "Well, US Senator? Republican? From Georgia? That's three strikes right there and need I mention that you just took the name of the Lord in vain? I'm a little pressed for time. This doesn't have to be unpleasant. Follow me."
Chambliss started to open his mouth then realized that he was standing in front of a few very strange guys and a woman who looked like a fat blond hooker who had just been beaten up and they were all looking at him and whispering and giggling obscenely ...he realized he was standing there butt nerkkid  too and he got all flustered and just meekly followed Bruce through the door.
"That's better, Sax, you don't mind if I call you Sax, you can call me Bruce. It's all good" said Bruce, "Look this is the new Hell and we want you to relax, cause' this is forever. Think of me as a kinda social director...Hey, Hell can be a lot of fun! You like to drink?"
Saxby was totally disoriented, and muttered, "Well, I don't mind a snort once in a while, but I have to watch it, my doctor told me to cut back and you know I'm a God fearin Christian!" He raised his head shyly, gazing upward hoping he had scored some points...
Bruce laughed, "Yeah cool but what ever your doctor told you, well, Sax, babe, you're dead already and on Monday, it's open bar day...we have happy hour all day long on Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway."
Sax thought that was pretty cool and then Bruce asked, "You a smoker?"
Sax had to admit he liked a good cigar once in a while, butt....Bruce cut him short, "All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer—no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?"
Sax said, "Wow, that's awesome" He was beginning to get interested now, "What about Wednesdays?" he asked. 
Bruce rolled his eyes ecstatically and said, "Wednesday? Why that's Vegas Night!   You can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. Hey, Sax babe, what about drugs?"
Saxby's eyes bugged out..."Drugs? What about drugs?...I mean..."
Bruce cut him short again, "Well what ever, babe, but hey, Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, remember? Who cares?!?"
Saxby, by this time was beginning to see the light..."Wow" he exclaimed. "I never imagined that Hell could be such a cool place!"
"So Sax, babe," says Bruce, "You Gay?"
Saxby straightened up like an iron rod had just been shoved up his ass and automatically yelled, "I AM NOT GAY!!!!!"
Bruce began to laugh his most demonic laugh and replied, "Oooh, You gonna just hate Fridays, then."

(the joke came from a my blog bud, BJ and I in my best Milton Microdot Berle tradition altered it slightly! Thanks BJ...and check out his blog! BJ's Un-Original Thoughts!)

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