Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A Glossary Of Conservative Ventriloquism
America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.
Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
Condescending: Accurately informed.
Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.
Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.
Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.
News: Fox News
Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of “No Taxation With Representation.”
Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth’s atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn’t happening.